It was 1978 when I first met my husband. Besides being good looking, he seemed really laid back and relaxed. That was in total contrast to my driven and assertive personality. I was envious of his ability to appreciate each moment and this gift seemed to draw me in even more. They always said opposites attract and I felt I had just met my soul-mate.
We were both enrolled in the same college program and we ended up taking the same classes. I was utterly amazed at his ability to wait until the last moment to complete his assignments. One day I actually woke up to find my then boyfriend’s head hanging over the couch in the living room staring at the floor. At first glance it was quite comical although also very typical, of his finishing projects at the very last second. Inevitably, we would always end up achieving the same high grade despite the fact that I would start my assignments way ahead of time. I would dedicate an inordinate amount of energy refining my work. If I did not approach my tasks in this way, I would become engulfed in anxiety. It was as if I had a low grade electric current running through my body and the only way to cope with it was to do whatever I could to minimize its effects. The earlier I started my task, the more hopeful I would be that my anxiety would not overcome me. How did he do it? All I knew was that being around him helped me balance my hyper-strung tendencies.
Our personalities seemed so complimentary that inevitably we made it official. We got married and anticipated a life of much joy and shared productivity. Have you heard people say that the very qualities that attract us often drive us crazy over time? Not surprisingly, our coping styles began to collide as we negotiated combining two homes into one. As the person who always needed to be organized in order to manage anxiety, I became the list maker. I felt so much better when I knew what was expected and how much time we had to complete tasks.
One glance at the list and my husband would retreat immediately to the couch. The more I pressured him, the longer he would lay there. To avoid my impending nag, he would start to undertake tasks that I thought were totally unnecessary. I kept thinking, “Is he doing this to drive me crazy?” The longer he delayed, the more anxious I would become. After all, deadlines were approaching and according to my list, nothing was getting done. To avoid becoming overwhelmed myself, I began picking up the slack.
I could feel the anger begin to build as I assumed more and more chores. Over time I started to resent his procrastination. “Why couldn’t he be more like me?” was the mantra that replayed over and over in my head. It’s not rocket science, come on, get up and get moving! Was that so much to ask? I tried everything from nagging to ultimatums but to no avail. My frustration reached a crescendo and I began to withdraw and sulk. The final straw occurred the night of our daughter’s arrival in the United States. We had undergone a painful fifteen month struggle to finalize her international adoption. It was Sunday evening and she was finally coming home. Even though I was a psychologist, I ultimately was a first time mom. I was terrified to take on the most important responsibility of my life.
My husband had undertaken a career change during the adoption process in order to maximize his parenting availability. He gave up a lucrative career in healthcare management in order to be integrally involved in all aspects of his daughter’s life. He was finishing his coursework and I thought I had planned for all contingencies. Of course, little did I know that my resident procrastinator was about to go into avoidance mode.
For three weeks he had a take-home final in his possession due the morning after our daughter’s arrival. I had assumed that he had already completed it. I bet you can guess what happened next? He had to pull an all-nighter to complete the assignment. How do you explain a devoted and dedicated father who changed his life path for his daughter’s welfare but still, could not finish his final exam even despite the momentous event he was about to experience? That is when I realized he had no other choice but to procrastinate. Instead of greeting this realization with anger and frustration, it actually piqued my interest. What is it that drove the both of us to cope with life in such a different way?
Since I had been insisting that my husband be more like me, I thought it was only fair that I require the same of myself. After some soothing self-talk, I was ready. The next important assignment that came my way, I decided to procrastinate and immediately, set it aside. As I forced myself to delay, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. My anxiety level was approaching critical when I finally gave up the experiment. This is what I have been asking my husband to endure by insisting that he “get up, and get going.” What an eye-opening experience. It was obvious this coping mechanism was deeply ingrained and expecting him to change his coping style was likely to be met with extraordinary anxiety.
The more I explored this response, the more I became aware of how common procrastinator/overdriven marital unions actually existed. As a psychologist, I also knew it was a major area of conflict for couples and by exploring its’ nature might actually save, if not enhance, the quality of many marital relationships.
I was struck by what overdriven and procrastinator individuals shared in common. Both coping styles were driven by the unconscious need to be perfect. Although most of us define perfectionism in behavioral terms – a neat house, a productive work environment – I discovered that perfectionism has little to do with behavior but has much to do with the belief that drives it. The need to be perfect is a belief based on an impossibility. To be perfect cannot be achieved under any circumstance. Therefore, it is a setup for failure.
This belief takes hold at a very young age. There are a number of reasons why this seed is planted in our psyche but the nurturing of the seed tends to be our own unconscious doing. As human beings, we tend to prove our beliefs. So once they are established, we do very little to challenge their validity over time. Even if our beliefs do not serve positive ends, we continue to prove them regardless. It’s similar to the process of cancer. Cancer will do anything to preserve itself even if the host is eliminated in the process. We will preserve our beliefs regardless of the long-term impact to the quality of our lives.
With perfection as a goal, we will fail 100% of the time. One will never truly feel a sense of accomplishment. Even if a perfectionist receives a 99% on a test, that 1% perceived failure will become 100% of the focus. Therefore, 1% error is tantamount to total failure. Just imagine living a life where every activity is anticipated to be a disappointment? When reaching adulthood it is no wonder why so many of us struggle with a sense of who we are. It appears almost epidemic how many people feel discouraged and overwhelmed in their lives. It is not surprising that our contemporary experience is riddled with stress and antidepressant medications.
It is important to understand how perfectionism expresses itself in behavior. As my husband and I demonstrate, two opposite behavioral patterns can be attributed to this belief. The overdriven perfectionist, yours truly, exhibits the following process when confronted with an important task. I become exceptionally hyper-focused on the project at the neglect of everything else. Adrenaline is excreted at high levels, which enables me to rigorously focus on the task and allows me to speed up my ability to process information. I am likely to redo the task over and over in the hope that the more I obsess and restructure the project, the more likely I will achieve a perfect result. Unfortunately as time goes on and after repeated attempts, I begin to feel defeated. Depression arises and my energy level falters. Finally, I give up, realizing that again I have failed. There is no sense of true accomplishment. Every time this occurs, it just makes the next task even more difficult. It is a painful and unfulfilling cycle a cycle with life-long implications.
So what about my husband? Let’s identify how the procrastinator manages tasks. When an important activity is assigned to him, he immediately heads for the couch. Why? Unlike the overdriven person, the procrastinator is not immediately infused with adrenaline. As a matter of fact, the opposite occurs. He becomes depressed and unconsciously realizes that he is likely to fail this task just as he has failed previously. As he pushes the activity out of his mind, he is very busy doing everything else. He may be cleaning his computer keys, picking up the laundry or reshuffling papers in his file drawer. Right before the advent of the deadline, my husband suddenly receives a powerful infusion of adrenaline. It’s as if he gets a kick in the pants and he can tackle the task with unexpected speed and productivity. He finishes the task at the very last minute and feels great relief at finally getting rid of the responsibility. The high from the adrenaline rush is so powerful that it serves as reinforcement for his procrastination. Ultimately, he can always tell himself that if he had more time, he could have done better.
Even though these two coping styles seem so behaviorally different, as you can see, they actually have a great deal in common – perfectionism, adrenaline and depression. The point here is that neither style is better or worse than the other. Each has its strengths and its weaknesses. The lesson to be learned is that each person is doing the best s/he can and criticism should be replaced with compassion and understanding.
As the person who is greeted with the initial adrenaline rush, I have become the organizer and list maker. Therefore, I use my energy to plan out the day and to identify what tasks are integral to maximize our productivity. My husband loves to be unburdened from this activity because as we now know, procrastinators become paralyzed at the thought of a list not to mention, having to make one. I love to be in control because it helps me moderate my anxiety level.
My husband is best suited to be the task implementer. However, he is better able to carry out his tasks when they are concrete, clearly defined activities with short deadlines. We now know that his adrenaline is only generated from deadline pressure, so manipulating circumstances to encourage this type of response serves the collective purpose. He feels great because he is able to carry out his tasks efficiently and successfully. I love it because I do not care whether I actually do the chores but I care that they are getting done.
We both feel a sense of accomplishment as we utilize our strengths to achieve a mutually beneficial result. What used to drive us crazy is bringing us back together by reigniting the very qualities which drew us to each other in the first place. Our complimentary nature is now being embraced to create a loving, productive and exceptionally happy relationship.
Dr. Herbster has been a Clinical Psychologist for 14 years. She was a talk radio co-host for a program called “Practically Speaking” which dealt with the challenges of families in our contemporary world.