Dream Ultra

The best way to score with women is with humor. Time after time humor can be the make or break element on whether or not you’re going home alone, or whether you go arm and arm out the door with a sexy female whom just hours prior you met. Once you understand why it is important to make women laugh, then your mind will naturally lean towards humor when confronting women. Basically once your mind gets it straight how important it is to make women laugh in relation to scoring, then your mind will replace all the usual nervousness, with a surge of effective humor.

Here’s what we want to implant in the mind on the importance of humor:

1. When you initially make women laugh you open the gateway for a greeting. This is such an easy and effective opener technique to use. It breaks the ice and allows for a huge opening. Just like jobs, with women it’s all about first just getting your foot in the door.

2. When you make women laugh, you maintain a womans attention! This is huge and where so many fail. After the initial greeting they are not able to carry on and maintain a womans attention. Instead it becomes a slow and steady fizzle. Mainly the reason for this is guys get too serious too quick. If they instead would have chosen to make women laugh even after the initial opener, then the conversation would have the needed fuel to carry on. You can also use humor as a back pocket technique to use if a normal conversation does suddenly show signs of dulling off a bit.

3. This is the most important thing to understand about how important it is to make women laugh. It is the only technique that puts the woman in a relaxed, easy going state of mind. Absolutely enormous and incredibly vital in your scoring success. Guaranteed if you took two guys, one average, and the other over the top handsome, and had the average guy apply humor to the situation whereas Mr. Pretty Boy acted serious and suave, without a doubt - time and again - the average joe will walk away with at least a phone number, if not a pair of sexy legs walking alongside him out to his car. Guaranteed! Guaranteed! Guaranteed!

This above scenarios have played out in every bar or pick up joint in America. Be it a hillbilly haven or a upscale yuppie hangout, when you make women laugh you activate a universal mechanism which women stand attention to, smile, and become free and uninhibited.

Now, what exactly do you say to make women laugh? Well, for fool proof lines and jokes to make women laugh you should check out squidoo.com/how-to-approach-woman/ squidoo.com/how-to-approach-woman/ for the low down on how to make it all work. Knowing the right lines will make all the difference in scoring with women. Check out squidoo.com/how-to-approach-woman/ squidoo.com/how-to-approach-woman/ to continue on and find out exactly how. Thanks as always for reading.

If you choose the wrong idea for your first date, it is unlikely that you will get a second chance to improve it. The only time you should not place an emphasis on dating ideas is when you and your partner enjoy each other so much that it doesn’t matter what you do. When many people choose things to do for their date, they will often make the mistake of taking a pragmatic approach. You can make the date interesting by doing something out of the ordinary.

When I refer to “ordinary,” I’am talking about things such as a dinner and a movie, nightclubs, or parties. One good idea for your date is to go to an art gallery. There are a number of reasons why art galleries are great places to go instead of a concert of club. First, the two of you will be in a quiet place where you will be able to get to know each other better. Many people consider art galleries to be sophisticated, so taking your date there will likely give them this impression. Art is something that is often appreciated by intellectuals and those who are sensitive. Your partner will likely be impressed when you bring it up as an idea for your date.

The biggest downside to choosing a museum is that the date may become boring. Unless you are a true art enthusiast who can make going to the art gallery interesting, you may want to choose another location. Perhaps one of the most important factors in the success of a date is humor. One great idea for a date is a comedy club. If the date is tense, or you feel nervous, laughing at a comedian is a great way for you to relax. However, you should be careful about the comedian you choose. Make sure your partner is comfortable with them beforehand, and avoid going to comedy acts that either you or your partner are not comfortable with.

Another great idea for a date is the zoo. Looking at different species of animals can allow you and your partner to engage in intelligent conversation. You may also find it to be more interesting than the art gallery. If you are both animal lovers, there can be no doubt that the zoo is an excellent place to visit. It is important to remember that the smell of the zoo could be an issue, so keep this in mind prior to the date. In addition to this picnics are a great place for those who are looking for creative dating ideas.

Ron Zvagelsky has a degree in Business Administration from the University of Southern California. He graduated Magna Cum Laude in May 2006. He is currently the Chief Executive Officer of PlanJam – where you can find

Kind, compassionate Dr. X looks at his bruised patient—a victim/survivor of domestic violence—and confidently breathes a sigh of relief thinking, “Thank God, she admitted it. Now, all she needs is a barracuda attorney to get her and her children to safe waters.”

Not necessarily so! A barracuda attorney could usher her, and her children, from the frying pan to the fire. This is an ugly secret that many people only know from having been there or from watching another get burned.

One of the most dangerous myths about family violence is that family court will protect victims of domestic abuse. In truth, this court can be used as a vehicle for the continuation of the abuse dynamic.

Abuse is fundamentally about control, and so is litigation. Two parties fighting in a legal action are essentially battling for control, and the perpetrator thrives in this arena. When there is a gross disparity of income between the parties and when the perpetrator controls the family finances, the perpetrator can easily control the litigation because he who pays is in the driver’s seat.

He can taunt, torment and terrorize his victim through financial starve out tactics, legal-psychiatric ploys, the threat of custody litigation. Abusers know that nothing will devastate their victim more than seeing their children endangered, so they use the threat of obtaining custody to extract agreements to their liking. And, such behavior can go on indefinitely.

When we couple the pathology of a batterer with an economically driven industry, we end up with the most perverted self-sustaining abuse dynamic imaginable: victim/survivors tied to their perpetrators and helpless abused children placed in the hands of their batterers. Sadly, this occurs nationwide for women whose children are sexually assaulted, women whose children are physically beaten on a regular basis and children who run away. These children and their protective parents are not guaranteed protection in family court.

That does not mean they won’t get it; it means they cannot assume they will get it. Yet, patients and their healthcare providers often unknowingly believe that protection from the court is automatic.

Domestic violence requires a specialized intervention and family court is not the forum in which to obtain it. Family court is about splitting up the property and separating the people, without holding anyone accountable for their behavior during the marriage. And without accountability, domestic violence continues.

Doctor, you are the gatekeeper for domestic violence in your community. You are the one who has the opportunity to see domestic violence in the early stages of its progression. And once you’ve seen it, you make the referrals. Refer your patient to a domestic violence specialist first—and also to the appropriate parties, given the regulations of your state and organization in which you operate.

© Copyright 2005, Dr. Jeanne King Consultants LLC, 888-782-0723, www.drjeanneking.com All Rights Reserved.

Dr. Jeanne King helps individuals and healthcare providers recognize and stop domestic violence before it spirals out of control. She is a seasoned psychologist, national speaker, author and leading expert in identifying the subtle communication patterns of intimate partner violence. 888-782-0723 DrJeanneKing.com/ DrJeanneKing.com/

A couple should trust each other in many ways. When they meet new people they are expected to be trusted not to wonder from a marriage. Not to have an affair or become involved with anyone else. Trust in marriage is also needed when keeping finances under control. A couple should trust one another to respect each other for example when couples have a joint bank account it is on trust that you both use the account responsibly and trust that it will not be abused by either of you.

A ‘trust marriage’ means to be reliable, honest, confident, consistent and dependant upon one another. Once you have earnt someone’s trust life becomes much easier. There is no worry of jealousy between couples. Wherever you go you know you are being trusted to do the right thing and you have a wealth of respect for each other. There is nothing worse than when couples do not trust each other in marriage. A ‘trust marriage’ should be loyal, amicable and have no confrontations.

Life is too short to become burdened with problems. If a couple pull together at all times then this is what makes a strong ‘trust marriage‘. You should want to help each other as much as you can and be there for each other as often as you can. When two people love each other and trust each other then life is more relaxed between the two of you and there us not tension in the atmosphere. When two people pull together they can achieve a life time of trust in their marriage. There are no boundaries set, no limits to keep within, no secrets withheld and no misunderstandings between each other. In fact, a ‘trust marriage’ should run in complete harmony.

A trust marriage from when you work together point of view is of prime importance as you will both need to cross each others paths many times throughout the day for example when clients visit the office and one of you are busy elsewhere, the other person is trusted to entertain the client in not only a business manner but also on a personal level. This can be advantageous to both the client and yourselves as one of you can take care of the mundane items whilst leaving valuable quality time for the rest of the meeting when your partner returns. On a more personal note, you can make your client feel more relaxed and less anxious as you can prepare drinks and informally chat about subjects such as hubbies and past times together. You can build a great rapport between the client and yourself which comes in very useful for future communications. Again, a bond of trust is needed to establish a true ‘trust marriage’ even from a business relationship.

If you trust someone not to stray from marriage then you must also trust them not to have an affair or sleep with anyone else. Marriage is a serious business and can only thrive if there is trust between the two of you. Your partner also relies on you for your stability, continuity, dependability and you are being relied on to fulfil a trust marriage. When you satisfy each others needs then there is no reason to desire anyone else in a trust marriage. Trust does not mean being possessive. Trust is a request that you make to each other to abide by. To be trusted in marriage and to continue to remain trusted and faithful to for as long as you are married. If more people were trusting then the world would be a happier one.

Jenny Clair is the editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com an article based web site exploring the human side of marriage breakdowns, divorce and separation situations.

Two facts in place of introduction.

Number 1 fact. Very often our stuff and I talk to men who got very disappointed in some other dating agencies. It’s sad. But we appreciate having these clients because they keep looking for a Russian wife in spite of all bad done to them. This means they have serious intentions!

Number 2 fact. We realize that some of you join several agencies just in order to increase your chances.

The main issue of our current conversation is trust.

Let’s take an abstract view to our life and find out what is really important for us. What events from your biography do you consider ultimate? I think answers will be the same. It is family or the continuation of the humankind. In every particular case it is the continuation of the kin. I take it there are some other things that also matter like career for example. Let’s assume forming a family is ONE OF the most important things in human life. So why putting it at stake? You shouldn’t trust laymen here. But here is the question: who are laymen and who are not?

No, I’m not going to sing praises to our agency. If you are our client and reading this newsletter there is no need to do it! I want to give you more: a perfect weapon against cheats and scams that is the way of detecting them!

Now seriously. Our agency has been in the marriage business since its early start in our country. We are a little bit more than 7 years old. This is the age of Russian Internet and PCs that give us the opportunity to arrange Internet marriage agencies.

7 years is a short period of time in terms of big business. Still no special books or scientific conferences on marriage business issues. However, we are rapidly developing and keeping up to date. We’ve gained a lot of experience: at first we were just a part of the international marriage net, then worked independently. Now we are creating our own partnership net that is Chance For Love Network. In our work we face a huge number of agencies that are ready to work with us. However, we don’t trust all of them. So we have created our own methods of revealing and sorting out those that are worth working with and avoiding all others.

Just recall the 2 facts mentioned above. We know that you also meet a lot of marriage agencies. At first sight they are all alike. But it is wrong. Wanna know our methods?

So, first of all in order to choose a trustworthy agency you have to pay attention to its “geography” and the number of women they offer.

Geography. This item can also be called Responsibility that the agency bears for the truthfulness of its women profiles. Are the girls real? If so, what about their names? Do the names written in their info really coincide with those written in their passports? Do the streets mentioned in their profile addresses really exist? Is a woman writing that she is divorced really divorced? Maybe she talks about one child and can have three?… And perhaps her level of English is far from the one she wrote about in her profile? And much more questions of the kind.

ONLY the agency working PERSONALLY with every woman can answer them.

Personally meaning NOT in the Internet or by the phone but when a woman comes to the agency and fills in the questionnaire and an agency manager checks the veracity of all the facts enquiring her passport. You realize that in order to fulfill this procedure a woman is to live in the same city or town with this agency.

See the site you would like to join. They have a questionnaire form for women? In this case they simply cannot be responsible for the truthfulness of their profiles. Some agencies can argue saying that they ask their girls to send them scanned copies of their passports. Funny! We know well that such copies can be easily changed with the help of any graphic editor. With a little working out they look very real!

Be careful! Some agencies place such forms on the sites but ask women come to the office to check their passports anyway. So you have to check it out. Whatever, the place of location of the agency is to coincide with the woman’s place of living. Only in this case the agency can bear full responsibility for the validity of her data.

You can say that you see girls from other cities and towns on our site. Meaning we do not bear responsibility for them? Yes, we do. The point is that we work with several local agencies that are also very squeamish about the quality of their women’s profiles. Moreover, we are parts of a united net with the single quality standard. It includes a detailed info, hi-fi pictures, personal work with every woman and a high percentage of women’s replies. The agencies working with us are responsible for their women as well as we are responsible for ours. Our partner cities are Ufa, Nicholaev, Kharkov and Minsk.

A year ago we decided to accept women’s profiles through the Internet but soon refused from this idea. We cannot persuade these girls to follow our rules because we cannot make them do anything at all! All we could do is to write them e-mail letters asking to follow our regulations. But we were not happy with this situation. As a result we had to delete those women who didn’t observe our rules. And to tell the truth we are not sorry for this.
We have no more than 80 girls from different cities and towns who have sent their info papers through the Internet. I can tell you that we did not check their passport and you are free to trust their profiles or not. However, they observe our rules and always give their answers in time.

Anyway, we have seized to accept Internet info papers from women. The risk of placing a scam is too big. However, we are responsible for women living in Kazan and our partner cities.

So, you know our basic rule: the agency can be responsible for women profiles only if women live in the city or town where this agency is located. If we paraphrase this rule a little bit we get a new question: «Once the agency is located in the city or town where a certain girl lives it is responsible for her, isn’t it?» Not always. I know some marriage agencies in Kazan working with Kazan women but I wouldn’t recommend you joining them. A local agency is a good sign but taken apart from all other signs it is not enough to trust this agency.

The second important parameter is the number of women profiles. Here is the task for you: you see the site with all women living in the same city or town. The number of women amounts to 1500. And you see the extremely convincing agency notice that they are responsible for all their women! Trust them or not?

The way out:

1500 women are too many for a local agency. Only big cities can have such a great number of women clients. The population of Kazan is a little bit over 1 million people. We are a big agency but we’ve never had so many women! It is very easy to place the profiles of the women that used to be our clients earlier. We call them “dead souls” in Russia. They create the illusion of choice on the site adding in number. You realize that these women will never answer your letters because it’s been a long time since they seized to be the members of the agency. But we are talking about real women.
So, just find out the population of the place and if you discover it is a small town with the population of about 200 thousand people, it’s an alarming sign for you!

Your second step. Find out the number of this agency stuff members. The more women clients they have the more managers and interpreters they need to work personally with each of them and control their data.

We have a little over 500 active Kazan women on our site. We have to employ 6 people to work with them well. Take into account that only half of the women correspond with men. If all of them would do it we would have to hire a bigger stuff team! Now imagine the number of managers and translators to work with 1500 women! Even if a manager is a genius and a real professional he/she will never be able to cope with such a bulk of work. Hi-fi work depends on the number of people employed.

So, if you see a local agency it’s a good sign! But now be careful and see how many women profiles they get. What is the number of their stuff members? Is it a city or a small town?

Take a notice of all this stuff so far. Next week we are going to tell you more!

Irina Chernova

I am 28 years old Russian female, working in dating field for almost 7 years and my specialty is dating articles for ChanceForlove Russian chanceforlove.com Dating Services

When you first meet single women, do these important steps to create a bond. Be the first to extend your hand during your initial greeting. While shaking hands, give her a warm friendly smile and say, “Hi, my name is _____.” That’s the best way to open the channels of communication between you her. She will be impressed by you shaking her hand also because most men don’t. You are showing her respect and making her feel special. It shows that you’re a warm & friendly person and it helps to lower her defenses. It creates an atmosphere of receptivity between you and her.

When you shake hands, be sure your hand acts as your private diplomat. Use a firm grip to show strength and friendliness. A grip that’s too hard seems aggressive. A grip that’s too soft suggests that you’re weak, retreating or indifferent. As soon as you feel her grip relax, break the handshake. If it’s a very quick handshake it indicates an obligatory handshake. I’ll bet you didn’t think handshaking was such an art.

Let’s talk about smiles during your first meeting. A warm and sexy smile can do wonders in getting single women attracted to you. A smile is your best way to break the ice with her. It shows that you are a positive person. It lifts the spirits of the woman and indicates that you′re open to conversation. A warm smile communicates to her that you′ve noticed her in an approving way. Your smile says to her, “You look nice. Let’s get to know each other.” Be sure and examine your smile. You need to make sure that you′re sending the right message when you smile at her. Stand in front of a mirror. Smile naturally as if you were smiling at a woman and check:

1. Does your smile look warm, friendly, and sexy?

2. Are your teeth shiny and white?

Work on the areas that need improvement and beware of a smile that looks more like a forced grin. You probably need to relax your face more. Watch out for half-hearted smiles. This may be caused by shyness but they come across as not very warm. Also, if you smile comes across as phony, it may have been on your face too long. After smiling for a minute or so your lips begin to get tired and freeze into a glazed look. To cure this and freshen your smile, rest a moment. When you′re not smiling, don′t let your mouth give off negative messages. Tightly pursed lips can suggest anger and you certainly don′t want to come across as angry when meeting single women. Also a turned down mouth communicates sadness or disapproval.

This article written by Don Diebel (Americas #1 Singles
Expert). If you would like more free dating tips on how to
successfully meet, date, attract, and become intimate with
women, please visit his website at: getgirls.com getgirls.com.

If she does not speak English, you can usually arrange through the local marriage agency to have a translator on the call. This may cost you ten to twenty dollars per hour, but at least you will be able to converse with each other.

Other resources are local universities that have university students who are studying English. Usually their services can be arranged fairly inexpensively.

I used translation services from the marriage agencies a few times with widely varying results. One of the worst was an agency in Polatsk, Belarus. This was, hands down, the worst marriage agency I ever encountered. It was the agency run by Olga Narkevich.

The young girl who did the translating was an English student. She did her best, but she could barely speak English. She could only remember about five to ten words at a time before she had to do a data dump and translate.

Sometimes this was in the middle of a sentence and it was difficult, if not impossible, to get anything but the simplest concepts translated.

The basic message got through, but a conversation that should have taken fifteen minutes took over two hours. On top of that, the phone connection was so bad, we were both screaming at each other on the phone to be heard.

The telephone system in the CIS countries is about fifty years behind the telephone system in the West. I have noticed that in the winter, particularly, the quality of the phone lines suffer dramatically. This is probably due to the extreme cold.

I found myself feeling more and more upset by the act of screaming into the phone, even though no words were said to make me angry. My frustration with the slow pace of the translation added to that feeling. When I hung up, I was drenched in sweat and ornery enough to take on a biker gang.

To understand why I ranked this marriage agency as the worst that I encountered, you need to hear the rest of the story.

At first, my telephone conversations took place between a Russian woman who was a client of Olga’s and myself. At some point in the translated conversation, it was obvious that Olga had inserted herself.

I was peppered with questions about my income and other personal questions. In addition, pressure was being applied for me to use their service in Belarus at what I thought was a ridiculous usurious rate.

For example, the translator asked if I would like to come to Polatsk to meet the woman who I was conversing with. I answered that that would be nice.

The translator then said that they would send a driver to pick me up at the train station in Minsk. Polatsk is about a two-hour drive north from Minsk. I inquired about the fee, which the translator said would be about $200.00.

I told them I would take the train to Polatsk by myself. The translator then asked, “How will we recognize you at the train station?”

I described myself. The translator responded, “Why don’t you carry an American flag so we can identify you?”

I responded dryly, “Of course. And I will be singing ‘God Bless America,’ as I march through the train station, waving the flag.”

As an aside, I found a pair of boxer shorts made out of the same material and in the same pattern as the American flag. I brought them with me on my trip. I was going to wave them as I made my way through the train station in Polatsk.

The translator said that they would take care of all hotel reservations, meals, and other arrangements. I asked how much. After consulting Olga in Russian, she replied to me, “About one thousand dollars per day.”

I said, “Congratulations, Polatsk has become the most expensive city in the world in which to visit.”

I asked the translator, “How could I possibly spend one thousand dollars in a day in a country where the average income is one hundred dollars per month?”

After conversing with Olga in Russian again, the translator answered, “You may want to go boar hunting.”

Her response was so hilarious to me, I burst out laughing. I said to her that the only thing I was there to hunt was for a delightful woman to become my wife.

I thought to myself, “And the only thing I was likely to shoot is a greedy, unethical, evil owner of a marriage agency.”

Needless to say, I declined their offer. My only reason for going to Polotsk was for the benefit of the woman I was to meet. I had already made my mind up about Olga.

After my laborious conversations with the translator, you can imagine how I felt when I called up Olga’s agency on my way through Belarus, and Olga was able to converse with me in perfect English.

She had put me through hours of tedium to train her translator at twenty dollars per hour, plus the cost of the telephone calls, while she could have spoken to me without problem in perfect English in a fraction of the time.

It was with a certain delight that I told Olga that I would not be stopping in Polatsk. The thought that Olga was imagining bags of money flying away brought joy to my heart.

I felt sorry for the woman I was to visit in Polatsk. I had fallen in love with my future wife and that was that. She was ‘the one.’ I knew it as soon as I met her.

John has been married to a Russian women for over five years. He has travelled the path from finding her, to traveling to Russia, to bring his wife to America, and adjusting to married life. He will show you step by step how to do this yourself.
russian-luv.com/hell.html www.russian-luv.com/hell.html

Recently, a young lady, who asked to be identified as “Lost my Soulmate” wrote in to an advice column after her fiancé broke up with her. It was five months later, and she was still hurting terribly.
”… Now I’m severely depressed, I bared my soul to him, I loved him with my heart, body and soul…I let my career go, I defied my parents, (I had a solid, loving relationship with my parents and now I’ve lost even that), I defended him against everyone and everything I did, I did it for him….He let me love him, and loved me back, so I build my world and dreams around him…
I’ve just lost myself. Everything that was important to me my entire 26years of life, I gave up, just to make this relationship work, I even compromised on my principles and now I don’t have the one thing I prided above all, my honor. Now I’m just a shattered body with no soul and no honor, used, betrayed and lost….”

My heart ached for her. She had put all her eggs in one basket. When her fiancé left, she was completely lost, having invested in nothing else and sacrificed everything for the sake of the relationship. In my response to her, I gently explained that no man who truly loved her would ask her to sacrifice such things and destroy her honor.

Lost my Soulmate got me to thinking about sacrifice and relationships. When is it necessary, and when have you given too much?

Let’s face it; all healthy relationships require lots of give and take. One works to put the other through school. The wife hates Mexican food, but goes to Mexican restaurants regularly due to her husband’s love of the stuff. The wife gets an offer to work at her dream job out of the state, and the husband quits his job and relocates with her. Big or small, adjustments will be made when you choose to pair up with someone. So, how can you tell when it’s a sacrifice that is unhealthy for you and the relationship?

Here are a few tell tale signs:
• You are the only one sacrificing
• Your partner is asking things of you that go against your values
• You find yourself sacrificing everything else for the sake of the relationship
• Your sacrifices are bringing you further from your life goals

If you look at Lost my Soulmate and her situation, she made several of these mistakes. Even if she and her partner were still together, her sacrifices are still unhealthy and would not help her self worth or the stability of the relationship. There are many ways, however that you can collaborate with your partner to make your personal life and the relationship thrive.

Here are a few ways:
• Help each other fulfill personal dreams and ambitions
• Work and sacrifice together to meet common goals
• Help each other maximize your strengths and manage your deficits
When you and your partner both agree to collaborate and work as a team towards personal goals as well as joined ambitions, you help each other grow to meet your potential. Collaboration helps boost your self esteem, the self esteem of your partner, and the stability of your relationship as you move purposefully together towards the brightening future. So next time you stand at the cross roads of give and take, ask yourself if doing so will build yourself and your partnership up, or if it will cause you to sacrifice things that will only damage you and your relationship.

Wendy Bridger, LMSW, relationship expert, speaker and author, is co-creator of “Get the Right Guy for the Real You” an online interactive course to position the single woman to attract and keep Mr. Right for life. Come join the fun at gettherightguyfortherealyou.com gettherightguyfortherealyou.com

1. Respect yourself first.

Upon celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary, a couple was asked “What’s kept the flame burning in your relationship?” The husband quickly chimed in. “Look at my wife, she’s beautiful inside and out. Why would I want to be with anyone else?” The wife was average looking, a little overweight, face wrinkled by time, time-worn teeth, and so forth, but more importantly, she was neatly dressed, hair softly brushed, and she smelled delightful and wore a touch of pretty makeup. The point is she respected herself. Because she respected herself, her husband was still deeply attracted to her. Do you like yourself? Are you proud to be you? To keep the flame burning in your relationship, learn to respect yourself first.

2. Communication is defined as listening.

Imagine that you have mouthful of marshmallows. Now, what is the one thing you absolutely cannot do? Think for a moment. The answer: Talk! And that’s precisely the point. Communication is more about listening than talking. Additionally, never, ever, miss a good chance to shut up. Every comment doesn’t need a retort. Every issue doesn’t need another opinion. Speak up when it’s important, and keep your lips zipped when it isn’t. What you don’t say is often as important as what you do say.

3. Keep a sense of humor in good times and bad.

Laughter is a wonderful expression for the good times, but it can also be an antidote for facing problems, issues and crises. There will be petty incidents. So what if you mistakenly threw out the left-over green bean casserole that your spouse was going to eat for lunch? Is it a major offense that your spouse misread the friend’s party invitation and the two of you showed up on the wrong date? During periods of despair, a sense of humor can help you deal with misfortune. When a loved one passes away, health conditions take their toll, or bad news finds its way into your home, sharing some laughs with your mate will help ease your minds. Laughter relieves stress, improves blood flow, and enhances overall physiological function of the body. Create opportunities for humor and laughter to help keep your marriage in top condition.

4. In the heat of battle, cease fire.

If your child misbehaves, the course of discipline may be a “time out.” You remove the child from the situation and give him/her a specified amount of time to cool off. A “time out” works equally well for a husband and wife in the heat of an argument. When emotions are stirring and tempers are starting to flare, one of you needs to say “stop.” Take a “time out.” Set an alarm clock for 30 minutes. Go your separate ways. No talking. No evil stares. Think about the problem. Re-focus. Regain your composure. When the alarm rings, sit down together and have a civil discussion, get to the root of the matter, find a resolution and move on.

5. Create “traditions” solely for the two of you.

Within your family, you likely have traditions that everyone enjoys participating in. They enhance the family bond. But, do you have a “couple” tradition, something that only you and your spouse do together? A couple tradition is defined as a practice, habit or ritual performed every so often just by the two of you. Traditions add vitality, fun and excitement. When the going gets rough, they also provide glue for the union to remain sturdy while issues get resolved. Guaranteed, traditions in your marriage or relationship will help make it wonderful year after year.

6. Be selfless, not selfish.

Think of a favorite dessert that everyone in your family just loves, loves, loves. Let’s say it’s double-fudge brownies. What happens when there’s only one brownie left in the pan? If your household is like most others, everyone races to get the last piece before anyone else. Long-married couples have a different way of dealing with such a situation. They’ll say to their spouse: “Honey, there’s only one brownie left. Would you like to split it with me?” or “Would you like the last one?” This is referred to as being “selfless” instead of “selfish.” Selflessness goes a long way in creating a loving, lasting relationship with your spouse. And the great thing about being selfless is that when you function in this mode, it is automatically reciprocated.

7. Be lovable to your spouse.

Most of you have probably owned a dog for a pet. When the dog sees you from about 10 feet away, he starts wagging his tail, and as you walk closer his cute little rear starts wiggling and his ears pop up. By the time you’re right up to the dog, he’s dancing and bursting with excitement! Dogs teach us to be lovable. We should all take a lesson from them. Welcome your spouse with a big greeting upon arriving home after a hard day’s work. Give him/her a surprise peck on the cheek, touch each other, hold hands, exchange eye winks. In your conversations, besides catching up on all the goings-on, don’t forget to express your love for and appreciation of each other. However you choose to do it: Hug and squeeze, aim to please.

8. Wives: Don’t be over-sensitive to your husband’s comments.

By nature, most women are more sensitive than men. They over-analyze. Did he mean this or that, or something entirely different? A woman’s inclination is to zoom in on the explanation that’s most negative. Wives, here’s a rule of thumb your husband would like to tell you: “If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.” Also, take into consideration that perception isn’t always reality. For example, a wife who became very irritated with her husband over a period of weeks because he had excessive business obligations and seemed quite preoccupied was pleasantly surprised by a birthday party he had diligently been planning for her! A word to the wives: Give your husband a break!

9. Husbands: Wives appreciate the little things.

Forget the flowers, designer bling-bling and fancy fragrances. Chivalry is alive and well! Hold the door open for your wife, call her during the day just to say “I’m thinking of you,” give her a hug when she least expects it, surprise her with a special evening out on the town that you planned by yourself. Do and say things that let your wife know you think she’s terrific. Husbands, the rule is quite easy: A wife loves to be told that she’s loved in many different, yet simple, ways.

10. Treat marriage as a journey. There are many different routes to a desired destination.

To draw an analogy: Imagine that you want to take a trip and fly from Miami, Florida to New York City. The first step is to select desired departure and return dates and the times of day you prefer to travel. Next, you go on the internet or call different airlines. If the flights you want are already full, you come up with Plan B, and if Plan B is booked, then you try for Plan C. Along the way, you may have to be flexible and change dates or times of day. Eventually you will find a travel plan that works. Marriage and relationships are similar. If plan A doesn’t work, try plan B, and if you hit roadblocks, then develop plan C, and so on. In a strong marriage or relationship, you keep practicing, learning and growing.

Bonus: Love the one your with.

Observations at the office, gym, social outings and elsewhere may lead you to believe that others are having all the fun. Don’t be fooled. How many times have you seen the couple who seemed to “have it all” wind up in divorce court? (Statistically, people who divorce have an even higher rate of divorce for subsequent marriages.) Instead of wallowing, devote your mental energy to keep the romance alive between you and your mate.

Sheryl Kurland is author of the elegant coffee-table book Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More. 75 couples, “real-life″ relationship experts, reveal the keys to a loving, lasting and fulfilling relationship. SIGN UP FOR FREE, WEEKLY EMAIL “TIME-TESTED RELATIONSHIP TIPS” FROM COUPLES MARRIED 50-PLUS YEARS AT EverlastingMatrimony.com EverlastingMatrimony.com.

This period in our emotional evolution brings its own angst of getting older and being conscious of time’s ever-moving hand waving us on. Being reluctant to leave their youth, many men suddenly become tight-lipped about their age, remaining ‘29’ for some years before actually acknowledging that they are over 30! This becomes an urgent time for both men and women to ensure that the desire to get settled into a home, the hoped-for high-flying career, the sense of identity and establishment with friends and community, are all gradually taking shape. The original dream now comes under close scrutiny and is evaluated to check progress. It’s a time to assess gains, and perhaps to ask if the gains so far are worth the price. At this stage, in any self-review, men are more likely than women to emphasise their professional life and to define themselves by it. Work becomes the backbone of their existence as they seek advancement and realisation of their dream.

Staging Post 2 is the period for sorting personal values and deciding what is important in life relating to career, family and interpersonal relationships – this being the time when most people marry or set up home together, start a family and begin their individual occupational journeys. It’s a key time for the master vs. apprentice struggle and for permanent vs. temporary choices; a time when men need reassurance as to whether they have made the right decisions and whether they are running out of time for changing those decisions. Hence this staging post is marked by re-thinking and evaluating commitments and connections; establishing a more permanent sense of self, one that aligns more closely to the ideal we wish to become. It also has a focus on whether we really want to make this location, this career path or romantic relationship a permanent one, yet being secretly fearful of the consequences when we finally make that choice.

Order and Stability

Universally, this time of self-reflection and pause, a period of relative order and stability when we implement and live the choices made in the young adult transition phase. People now settle down into deeper commitments involving work, family, religion and community ties, etc. They focus on accomplishments, becoming their own persons while generating an inner sense of expertise and mastery of their professions. By now the dream is likely to be better developed and fairly well defined and people put significant energy into achieving it. However, this is where the gender gap is at its most pronounced. At this stage 99 per cent of heads of department or of businesses will be men, with hardly a woman in sight. Female confidence is still being developed, still some way behind the men, as they cluster on the lowest rungs of the working ladder, despite their enthusiasm and talent – a position which reinforces their invisibility in the workplace and also exposes overt gender discrimination and their lack of self-belief.

On the other hand, this tends to be a golden time for men. Marked by possibilities, heightened self-belief and a striving for personal success, this period drives men, in particular, to focus on becoming ‘winners’ and making a name for themselves as quickly as possible. They are likely to spend long hours developing their art and skills, often working overtime, with the aim of competing with their colleagues or rivals or just striving to be the best and to consolidate their positions. They tend to seek organisations or partners that will validate and enhance them and their aspirations, e.g the ‘trophy’ wives which are usually prescriptive and enhancing.

The potential problem with this goal-oriented drive is that sometimes these men are too concerned with their own personal success, without sufficient thought for others. Often just making inroads into their chosen careers, this is the stage when people tend to see the world in terms of ‘me’; when the personal focus is on their own goals, own ambitions, own successes and their own little world. Unfortunately, this is likely to be the the time when both partners are just moving into the familiarisation stage of the relationship and young children are on the scene and need attention. One partner is thus likely to feel neglected as his/her spouse’s actions begin to change, the gap between their aspirations start to widen and the couple gradually become noticeably detached as the ‘winner’ chases success while the spouse chases the kids!

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - ecademy.com/user/elainesihera ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and myspace.com/elaineone myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on amazon.co.uk amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, “Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!”