It seems everywhere I look, everyone I meet and everything I read these days that more people in relationships are struggling with some behavior of their partner that they wish would just go away.
A friend asked me at lunch the other day, why do people get married anyway? I wanted to give a quick and glib answer but as I pondered the real meaning of this question I was struck by the difficulty of answering it.
Is it for love? Security? Passion? Friendship? Compassion? Insecurity? Un-met emotional needs? I don’t have a clue. I am guilty of looking for many of the above items in relationships. Sometimes I found them and sometimes I didn’t. What I have discovered is that whether I found them or not didn’t really change whether the relationship worked and lasted or failed. So there has to be something more.
Are people who have been married for 40, 50 or even 60 years and say that they are and have been blissfully happy all those years lying?
Is it possible to overcome all of the conditioning we received as children that can sabotage relationships?
Is it possible for people to take control of their mindsets that often cause much of the stress, anxiety, struggle and pain in relationships?
Is it possible for people to leave their ego’s out of their relationships?
Is it desirable to let someone else change who you are for the success of a successful relationship?
People are who they are. People are becoming who they will be. You, no one, has the right to tell me who I should be or how I should behave. If you don’t like me or my behavior then you can choose not to be with or around me.
But, you say, relationships require flexibility and compromise. I agree, but only to the extent that my self-esteem, self-image and self-acceptance are not lost in the process.
I’ll bet that if you look at many of the issues that cause stress or strife in your relationships that it will all come back to your expectations of your partner.
Why won’t they……….
Why do they……..
When are they going to start………
Why won’t they stop……….
This is not a female or a male issue, it is a human issue. For every male that has a legitimate problem with his partner’s nagging I’ll guarantee that the women as a legitimate issue with some of his behavior. So who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares!
Your issues with your partner are justifiable from your perspective. His issues with you are also reasonable.
So, what’s the answer? My suggestion is that you stop trying to fix, change, improve, modify your partner and start working on yourself. If you will both do that I will guarantee you can save a bunch of money in counseling fees, divorce fees and you may even live happily ever after.
However, if both of you can’t take some responsibility, if you insist in only pointing your finger elsewhere rather than looking in the mirror, It may be time to say good-bye.
Tim Connor, CSP is an internationally renowned sales, management and leadership speaker, trainer and best selling author. Since 1981 he has given over 3500 presentations in 21 countries on a variety of sales, management, leadership and relationship topics. He is the best selling author of over 60 books including; Soft Sell, That’s Life, Peace Of Mind, 81 Challenges Managers Face and Your First Year In Sales. He is also the CEO of ProfessionalSales Association Of America. He can be reached at mailto:tim@timconnor.com tim@timconnor.com, 704-895-1230 or visit his websites at timconnor.com timconnor.com or ProfessionalSalesAssociationOfAmerica.com ProfessionalSalesAssociationOfAmerica.com